NOT Ryan Kelly

I'm really only hitting this thing once.

Teenagers? Sex? I don't need to know all that: I have a daughter.

It's nice to know people are looking at me and smiling when I'm bored.

The baby came back to eat the mother and took its name.

You're not liable for things that happen after you pull out.

Two lbs - the term of art is a shit load.

We seem to let you -- or half of you -- do what you want with your sperm.

For whatever reason, I might kill you.

I have a specific goal, and that is to kill you.

Imagine Ned Flanders: The Statutory Rapist.  

It's hard to shoot a massive amount of ducks with a gun...unless it's a massive gun.

Of course -- we all know -- it gets cold in Russia

The court tries really hard to say, "These aren't the droids you're looking for"

To quote that great philosophical movie 'Heathers,' "What's the Damage?" 

They're gonna want to know that Flipper's still alive.

"Not many" is not the same as "not any"

Because of our interactions to date, I hate you.

"Refused" will always look the same as "the price is not enough."

If you touch it, then you have custody and control of it.

I think that's true, but it's not always correct.

You want to think about it now instead of when you're Michael Clayton.

Even though it may violate privacy, it's good for my family.

She's right. Or he's right, in an alternate universe.

Since Michael Jackson's death, he's had a very good year.

BONUS:
You're mostly going to sit in the chair of the ponytailed guy.

 I notice a lot of you are drinking beer, and my only complaint is that I am not.

The New York Times obituary page is the gold standard.

I hate being your straight man.

So you should fear me.  FEAR ME!  And fear privity.

I don't have a lot of manly moments.

That's right: legal dweebs — fighting like savages!

I could leave it there and be perfectly ethical.  But because I have affection for you, I'll go further.

Once again, I guess it's a day for decapitation.

Blood is an interesting one.

Crashes are sort of the opposite of driving.

The English are cheaper to kill.

That's like a vegan table saw.

It worked on hooves; can you imagine what it did to hands?

 It's close to that crazy, but not that crazy.

If I'm confused then I'm sure you are too.  But it's not that confusing.

 That's why it's a good idea to stay away from the formulas — because they're not formulaic.

I don't think you're entitled to them.  Not because I'm mean. Well, I may be mean, but that's not the rationale here.

 Those are two good questions.  I'm trying to figure out how to get you to answer them.

I would have been so rich I wouldn't be here.

You may not agree with me, but I'm in charge.

[Wolves] are a great dog for 10 years until they wake up one day and realize, "You know what?  I'm a wolf."

You can say, "Honey, I have animus revertendi for you."  Explain to them that it's not dangerous.

What is an infinite amount of money?  It's, well, infinite.

Back in the day THAT's how you screwed people over.

When you are appointed to the Supreme Court in a few years, think about reforming the right to jury trial.

 I'm not threatening you; I'm just telling you what's going to happen.

That's why I wrap you in bubble wrap before you come into my office.

There's no Immaculate Torts Conception.

You guys probably haven't seen drive-ins because you're mutants.

Did he mutter to himself over and over again: "I am an angel of death"?

Parents are guilt-driven creatures.

We can be called "SOB"s.  Many of us are.  And we have a right to be that.

No dean is worth a thousand bucks.

I appreciate you viewing international law as one big ambulance-chasing case.

JEREMY: Is it easier to have a duty to rescue in a culture not so concerned with negligence and strict liability?
TURLEY: You disgust me.

You're not a bus: you don't have to pick up everyone who's waiting for you as lawyers or doctors.

You're not insane to think of it that way.  Just, stop thinking it.

I could pretty much do anything to your body with a baseball bat and you'd heal.

It turns out that Татьяна survived.  And I killed her.

Either I'm the best teacher in the world, or you don't give a damn.

They can't even use their extortionist properly.

Yeah, but money can fix that.  Money can fix most things.

To say there will be no litigation is too optimistic.  There will ALWAYS be litigation (for which you should all be thankful)

You still have an excuse to drink: celebrate OR drown your sorrows.

Who knows?  They might run up and lick you.

So the Hobbits won and we went into the torts era.

Whether's it's an act of G-d depends on how G-d feels.

I'm risk-averse (and a little bit of a freak). 

SELMI: You do know, but you don't know that you know.
ANON:  Is that, like, Platonic?: I don't remember that I know?
SELMI: This is how the Socratic method works.

She's not just an inspiration to drunks everywhere — she's also something of a physical phenomenon. 

It's dangerous to generalize too much, which is why I will proceed to do just that.

MARSHALL: Were you raising your hand or just flexing at the wrong time?
TheStudent: I was scratching my ear.
MARSHALL: I'll take that as volunteering.

This is the perfect case to end the term with, because it makes_no_sense.

By the way, I'll be in my office at the end of the exam if you want to come up and kill me. And you know Heller; you've all got the right to have handguns in DC.

This is a fun class for me to teach. Your expectations are so low coming in that it's easy to exceed them. Not to say that we did.

We do have enough have enough lawyers. We don't have enough GOOD lawyers.

You can crawl but you can't hide, you dog! But I appreciate the crawl.

We could build robots that would be robot jurors. But they would be terrible.

It's very easy to imagine what it's like to be shot: it's very painful; there's a loud explosion.

A lot of my friends are doctors. The other half are lawyers. It's funny; when we have parties it's like a high school dance.

Suddenly, she was crushed by a falling horse.

We teach for free. We only get paid to grade.

There are a bunch of things you don't have to memorize: everything.

I think I may have seen you reaching, but that may have been just to tap the keg.

I eviscerated my mortal enemies before taking their pelts and weaving this sweater.

I did this entirely accidentally — I'm not that competent.

I fear that the next slide will blow some brains.

It's seared into my memory, but I don't want to go too far into my memory.

I don't want this to come back to me but it is, unbidden.

If I wobble over or start speaking like I'm on lithium, don't worry about it.

Very often, things that are useful are very boring.

These — as I said — are almost despicably uninteresting.

Humans not having — most of us — wings.

I don't need to be schooled in chicken-ness.

Imagine chickens in a line-up.

I will be twiddling my thumbs, waiting for you. Pining for you.

I am good company for myself, but not that good.

Neither run from this prospect, nor embrace it too tightly, for you will squeeze the life out of it.

Do you — at that point — attempt to choke yourself and, if so, why?

Recall, England has repealed The Statute of Frauds after having given it to us then running away, laughing.

Sometimes we have to experience this pain to have transcendent understanding.

Keep this in mind next week when we discuss chicken.

We like doctors. They're very important. We need someone to sue.

To what degree can a consent form cover a doctor's ass? Depends on the size of the form and the size of the ass.

This statute was designed to prevent the spread of diseases in transport, not suicidal sheep.

Most reasonable veterinarians don't do it in the back of a '58 Chevy.

Did Helen Mirren, on her deathbed, give Lindsay Lohan all this money?

It's boring, but once again it's boring and elucidating.

Basically, all my vowels are fungible.

He will no longer crave brains; he will crave something else. Scooby-snacks, perhaps.

The contract wants you to die??

Your flash of insight is so obvious to you, you're embarrassed to restate it.

By now the only rule you should have observed was, "every answer is wrong."

We're all — in some sense — probably wrong, in the long term.

There are very few questions of risk more clear than a train 4' away from you.

Could you imagine telling your spouse to lock you in the trunk?

It turns out corn flakes — and this is apropos of nothing — all corn flakes are made the same way.

Hitting Bill Gates is like hitting a small nation.

I've lost mobility in my upper lip.

This is not a reprisal for this fine mustache, which I've grown very fond of. It's quite soft to the touch.

Suppose my zombie escapes from the shed in which I house him...or, it.

Suppose I was trying to let my zombie escape and run in the wild. I wanted it to wreck havoc and let terror reign.

Let me ask you this; since I'm trying to annoy you, I might as well do it comprehensively.

You wet the babies, tie them around your waist, and run through the fire.

I'd like to strongly encourage you not to stalk my family.

Where's my buffalo box?

It's bad to hurt babies, as a general rule.

No matter how smart your 4-year-old is, a chimpanzee is smarter.

The kid apparently thought there was an orange, bipedal, tree-dwelling deer.

She was clearly delusional, because she thought she could fly like Batman, and Batman can't fly.

You will not see pictures of me as "slutty zombie."

It is not the case anymore the promissory estoppel is restricted to rinky-dinky-things like, oh, children's welfare.

There's a quantum of injustice in this world and you're just moving it around.

 If your ex-wife cleaves your head during a game, the clubs don't pay for that.

All children are either biters or spitters.  Sometimes you get the Hannibal Lecter option and they're both.

STUDENT: Isn't there a difference between children and products?
J-TURLEY: Yeah!  You can return kids.

The minute you go above 2 [kids]. you're in trouble 'cause you can no longer play zone.

That's why G-d makes children cute — so you won't throw them out the window.

Killing your dean is not part of my profession.

Sometimes you're driven by pure lust to accept.

Chicago is a nice place.  We'll get to the merits of that in a minute.

Your "7-11 moment": when you take a big gulp and it's done.

"Strange inducement" sounds like a great movie title.

Chattels are things that aren't to be trespassed upon.  Your chattels are your own; no one should put their hands on them.

I know you seem reluctant to do it, which is why I'm forcing you to do it.

 Where does [free speech] come from?  Nature doesn't have it.  Ever tried to talk to a grizzly bear?  It'll shut you up!

G-d populated the world with "inferior creatures."  That does not mean people you once dated.  It means non-humans.

You could say they're finding divine in the bovine.  I should put that a rap.  A Lockeian rap. [laughs]  I don't want to scare you.  Maybe next faculty meeting. 

Everything I've said so for — besides being absolutely true — has been very straightforward.

That's what Torts is: the aggregation of human feeling.  The opposite of that is Contracts.

It is amazing how many ex-boyfriends focus on the pet.

We do have evil people, but we mostly have stupid people.

As creepy as this is, it would make a very good false imprisonment.

I'm obnoxious; I'm in touch with my obnoxious side.  But that is NOT intentional infliction of emotional distress.

W-MARSHALL: Who can disagree with "reasonably calculated"?  Doesn't it sound eminently sensible?

ANONYMOUS: How do you wake up and say, "Today...I'm going to sue the devil"?

ANONYMOUS: He basically doesn't have one DC; he just has lots of Wisconsins.

Courts do love themselves some mailbox rule.

A horse would be considered a good.  It's movable.  If it wasn't, it wouldn't be a very good horse.

I may inadvertently put this in the form of a question, but that's just an excuse for a rant.

STUDENT: Drennan was given a contract to do something with Monte Vista School job.
ESWAINE: Something?  That sounds like a penal violation.

I will exploit every minute we have together, because I love you.

It's all surplussage, but nonetheless we love it and embrace it as if it were our bosom friend.

Nobody benefits from anything in Oklahoma.

Is Napoleon Dynamite subject to Florida jurisdiction?

This is a class bias.  You people think about running for office.  Most people are more concerned with eating.

The French know how to write a Constitution. …  And cooking.

It's like the Bhagavad Gita: perfect, teeny writing.

Kaldor-Hicks basically said, "Don't care about losers.  That's why they're called 'losers.'"

You've got plenty of smart people who have done a stupendously stupid thing.

Nobody wants that one tree to trigger the imagination of children.

State highways follow forests the way tornadoes follow trailer parks.

If at any point this gets oppressive, just imagine me trying to body-surf.

You came this close to provoking to performing that "Daft Punk," song, "Stronger, [sic] Better, Faster, Stronger"

I like misinforming to an extent, but this was bad.

ESWAINE: On to Normile v Miller.
STUDENT: It sounded like he said "yo mama."  "Yo Momma" v Miller.

Seller sells to Segal…right by the seashore.

This form bespoke its form-ness.

That's a perfectly reasonable conclusion, but it's not true.

Let's say I own a zombie.  We can discuss the ethics of owning a zombie later.

I'm going to have to procure fresh brains from someone that's not using them, like a 3L.

The fact that Swaine puts a muzzle on his zombie so as not to eat brains is not performance.