NOT Ryan Kelly

Everything I've said so for — besides being absolutely true — has been very straightforward.

That's what Torts is: the aggregation of human feeling.  The opposite of that is Contracts.

It is amazing how many ex-boyfriends focus on the pet.

We do have evil people, but we mostly have stupid people.

As creepy as this is, it would make a very good false imprisonment.

I'm obnoxious; I'm in touch with my obnoxious side.  But that is NOT intentional infliction of emotional distress.

This is a class bias.  You people think about running for office.  Most people are more concerned with eating.

The French know how to write a Constitution. …  And cooking.

It's like the Bhagavad Gita: perfect, teeny writing.

You've got plenty of smart people who have done a stupendously stupid thing.

Nobody wants that one tree to trigger the imagination of children.

State highways follow forests the way tornadoes follow trailer parks.

[Suicide]'s sort of a silly crime: you try and kill yourself and then throw you in jail, where other people will do it for you.

The fact is, if you die in law school you're coming out ahead.[…] The bank gets screwed.

Generally, being poor is caused by lack of money, based on my research.

Why go and buy black market kidneys when you can have certified kidneys?  It's like bathtub gin: nobody makes bathtub gin anymore.

I don't drink hot liquids; that's the devil's temperature!
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Boundaries are made to be tested.
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Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.
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It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain.
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You're my new night job and I'm going to love you like my boss is watching.
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"Good" weird or last-night-weird?
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Love: a urine mirage in a desert of fear.
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Get in that ridiculous electric car of yours and get up here.
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Wanna get drunk?
--No; there's too many phones in here.

Now, Mr. Chairman, here are 100 donkeys. I figured that donkeys were something that Democrats would be able to relate to. So we have 100 donkeys here. Imagine that this is 100 donkeys of spending. Here's what this bill will do. There, Mr. Chairman, are 99 donkeys; 100 donkeys here, 99 donkeys there.

But here's the big point: It doesn't look like a lot of difference in donkeys, but if we do that, if we spend the 99 instead of 100 on every single government program, we save $30 billion. That is real money. And this is how you save it: a little bit at a time. Ask a million-dollar program to get by on $990,000, ask a billion-dollar program to get by on 1 percent less. And when you do that with every single program in government, you save $30 billion a year.

I took note of the gentleman's $30 billion in donkeys. I would like to commend to the gentleman's attention $3 trillion in elephants, which is $3 trillion in debt that the other side built up while they were in control of this Congress; $3 trillion elephants rampaging through the Federal Treasury, crushing our future, strangling them with debt.

NORMDICKS: Under your amendment, would you be able to drill in the Great Lakes or in the Chesapeake Bay or in Puget Sound or in the Long Island Sound?

J_CONAWAY: Section 104 and section 105, I don't know that it does the Great Lakes. But Puget Sound, I think we would be able to drill there. It would remove the moratorium that is in place now that prevents drilling in those areas, but I don't know that the Great Lakes is included.

NORMDICKS: Okay. I knew that I opposed this amendment, but now I will oppose it with even greater fervor.

J_CONAWAY: I can include the Great Lakes if that will get you over the hump to agree to it.